Those Full Circle Moments
If I remember correctly, it had been two years since I had consistently sewn when I began to make my Elliot top. It was September of 2024. I was living with a roommate and most of my things were crammed into a cozy, little bedroom. I made one dress in the Spring, but other than that, nothing for two years. Writing it out, my heart drops a little thinking of the time that passed while I wasn’t intentionally sewing. Sometimes, I think it’s the things we adore most that get set aside when we are simply trying to make it through life. I’m sure someone, somewhere can resonate with this - the poet, the musician, the painter watching as their instrument of choice sits collecting dust as they are just trying to survive. We hear it so often that artists create from their deepest pain, but I have learned I create when I feel a sense of stability and security in my life. It gives me the freedom to explore while knowing I am safely held. And that is what was happening in the middle of 2024. There was solid ground beneath me again and I wanted to sew. Squeezed into my little room, I remember sitting at my sewing machine, watching the trees out the window, feeling a fire burning within me to make things again.
It’s raining now as I write this. My balcony door is open so my cat can enjoy watching the birds and bugs. It feels like a sweetness to me - the way nature has surrounded me as I create. On top of recovering from a career transition the past few years, another challenge for me has been navigating letting myself be seen in this space while also being a mental health therapist. How do I let myself be human, while also protecting my therapeutic relationships? I was sitting at my sewing machine one day feeling the pull to create, to express, to share my makes, to write again when I saw a fellow therapist share a picture of herself looking so free. She later said to me, “You get to be human, don’t let them take your humanity from you.” It was the permission I needed to step fully into myself again, without walls hiding my authenticity. For me, my Elliot top has been a symbol of stepping into my truth, remembering what brings me joy, celebrating my accomplishments, and savoring the space I now have to create again - physical space, energetic space, financial space, mental space - all the space. Any of them could be taken from me again, but right now, in this moment, I celebrate them.
While making the Elliot top, I found myself feeling anxiety at times. I didn’t want to mess it up. I wanted to make something beautiful, but I often get in my own way by rushing or not thoroughly reading instructions. As each piece came together, I would look at the top with gratitude; somehow nothing was going wrong. It wasn’t perfect, but I felt so much tenderness towards my work and my effort. Isn’t that the point - the connection we make to our work and ourselves as we create? I did face some challenges, primarily the ties. I struggled to understand the pattern piece instructions for the length/width and forgot the fast way to turn them right side out. I became avoidant of them for a while, even moving on and starting new projects. I was scared to mess them up so I hid from them. Oh Fear - a great barrier to our hopes and dreams.
Fast forward to January 2025 and it all finally came full circle. Living on my own again, I sat watching the sunset in my very own sewing room, listening to Carole King, and feeling brave enough to finish the ties. Oh Bravery - our friend when we are afraid. It took me five months, and currently it’s not exactly the right weather for this top, but she means so much more to me than a summer top - she is the reawakening of parts of my creativity, she is evidence that I feel safe again to explore, imagine, and dream. She is a new beginning.
