This is Me
It took me thirty years to realize I didn’t have a clear understanding of where I ended and another began. The lines were always blurry, and I thought that was normal. It hadn’t occurred to me that this was part of why I felt so lost in my own body. I so desperately craved to stand in my own power, yet I was constantly giving it away or putting it in the shadows for the sake of another. In Henry Cloud’s book, Changes That Heal, he states that separateness is an important aspect of human identity. He says we are to be connected to others without losing our own identity and individuality. But for thirty years I lived my life thinking I was supposed to sacrifice my identity and individuality for others. I shrink so you can shine. This way of thinking led to resentment, confusion, and a loss of self. I am a firm believer that we are all placed here at specific times, with specific gifts to offer the world. When living from the space of “I shrink so you can shine” I was withholding my purpose and my gifts from myself and from the world.
I remember when my friend was briefly dating someone who seemed to be going through an identity crisis. My friend was struggling to trust this person and I said, “Of course you don’t trust him. How can you trust someone who doesn’t trust himself?” These words flew so easily from my lips because I once had been like this person. If you don’t know yourself, you can’t trust yourself, and no one else can trust you either. When I discovered this truth, a lightbulb went off in my mind. The blurry lines I had created with others were the very things keeping me from knowing and trusting myself AND were keeping others from knowing and trusting me. So, I slowly, gently, and sometimes messily started to draw clear lines around myself. These lines began to allow me to see who I really am, instead of just seeing another’s projection of me.
Separating ourselves from others can be terrifying. Especially if separateness equals abandonment in our minds. What I have found on my journey of separating, though, is that instead of finding abandonment, I often find the right people (for me) step closer. Clarity around who we are provides clarity for those who are wanting to get to know us. I have also found that tending to my clear lines is WAY easier than tending to a million blurry lines between me and other people. When I am trying to manage the blurry lines, I don’t even know what I am managing and usually end up exhausted. There is a freedom and empowerment that comes from knowing where we end and another begins. There is power in knowing what is a yes for us and what is a no, what we like and what we don’t like, what we believe and what we don’t believe. I also want to say that drawing clear lines around who we are can be very fun. It’s like getting to know a new friend and finding out all the things that make them unique and wonderful.
Do you know where you end and others begin? Do you have clear lines around who you are as a person? If you don’t, you’re not alone. Many of us have believed that self-abandoned, enmeshed and codependent lives are just the norm. The truth is there is a fuller, richer way to live. That life starts with a brave step towards exploring who we are, grounding into ourselves, and giving ourselves the permission to finally say, “This is me.”
Love,
Pamela
Pictures: Claire Goodall Photo
Pattern: Seamwork Bo Top
Fabric: Recycled old curtain
